Ritual p.263

It is clear from the analyses of obsessional patients in whom loud speaking seems to cause physical pain, and who themselves can only speak softly or in a whisper, that loud, uninhibited speaking is unconsciously equivalent in them to unbridled sexual activity.

 

Theodor Reik – Ritual: Psycho-analytic Studies p.263

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Ritual p.158

Death, mourning by the mother and other women, and resurrection of the killed god have been taken over into the ritual of the world religion of Christianity. Freud has shown us that the self-sacrifice of Christ was the expiation for an attempted murder – a parricide, since original sin was a sin against God the Father.

The sacrificial death of the Son of God is an attempt at expiation; it has the character of a compromise, for it ensures the attainment of the son’s most urgent wish, namely, his own enthronement at the side of his father.

 

Theodor Reik – Ritual: Psychoanalytic Studies, p.158

Harm Reduction Psychotherapy p.225

The impulse to alter one’s consciousness is as old as human culture, and it is found in countless human pastimes. For many people, drugs are so desirable and compelling because they lead to the rarely felt experience of being able to connect more fully with split-off feelings and needs. Drugs are used to explore the domain between the polarities of total self-constraint and self-expression, self-love and self-hate, chaos and order, selfishness and selflessness, and emotionality and stoicism. Drugs have served as the keys to or initiators of first experiences of authentic, hidden aspects of self. People fall in love with drugs because under their influence they are temporarily opened to the possibility of being more free to feel more fully, to feel more accepting of parts of themselves that they had despised. This experience of open freedom with others temporarily disarms and decommissions the inner critic’s dire warnings. People often enter into this using behavior driven by a need to learn and explore, to come closer to who they are. They are generally propelled by a deep urge to heal. They embark on this exploration seeking potential therapeutic value, to embolden themselves to make lasting changes, to encounter uncharted frontier. However, these positive experiences can also lead to serious problems.

 

Andrew Tatarsky – Harm Reduction Psychotherapy p.225

Relational Child Psychotherapy p.97

In any event, boys start to compare the fact that they have penises with other facts they come to recognize, that girls have vulvas rather than penises, that women grow breasts, get pregnant, give birth to babies, and nurse babies at their breasts. As the cognitive categories of present and absent are created, a boy wonders about his own body. Could he lose his penis and look like a girl? Could he have babies and nurse them? Longing, envy, and fear mix with interest and awe.

 

Neil Altman, Richard Briggs, Jay Frankel, Daniel Gensler, Pasqual Pantone – Relational Child Psychotherapy p.97

Childhood Unbound p.175

A few basic signs [of reliability]:

  1. Keeping one’s word about the small things – time home, calling as had been agreed, being (pretty) honest about who’s around in others’ houses.
  2. Your internal feeling that what your child says makes sense – pay attention when it doesn’t add up – you’re probably onto something. The truth usually flits across your mind and you ignore it.
  3. Both you and your partner get the same – or at least a similar enough story. Kids can only play us against each other if we don’t bother to talk to each other.
  4. Giving you enough time to truly think about a decision – feeling less like a hostage to time pressure makes you feel more trusting.
  5. Owning their behavior – without torturous explanations or excuses.
  6. Your child is not afraid to tell you the truth – even if it’s not something you don’t want to hear. This is a hall-mark of mutual trust – in your child and your being a reasonable, firm parent.
  7. Your child has a couple of good friends, regular playdates and receive calls – a sign of trustworthiness with peers.
  8. Other parents are truthful around you – and do not hold back important information you then hear about later. This openness usually indicates your child is acting within acceptable bounds when you’re not around.
  9. Your own growing sense of trust – be clear-eyed, but be open to seeing and enjoying your child’s maturation.

 

Ron Taffel – Childhood Unbound p.175

Childhood Unbound p.160

Remember to acknowledge only when you mean it, and not every time you notice a change for the better. I emphasize this because child rearing went terribly awry in the praise department with our kids, turning a powerful necessity into something so cheapened it became inauthentic and perhaps even destructive. Have you ever wondered whether the past 30 years’ emphasis on robotically praising our kids has actually been good for them? And have you considered that there might be a link between rote, reflexive adult praise, and the proliferation of a harsh reality–TV shows laced with “brutally honest criticism,” as well as the ever–edgy tone of the second family? I believe these 21st century phenomena of “mean “might in part be a manifestation of our decades-long love affair with praise.

For a while, I and others in the child-rearing world have been sensing that the self-esteem movement parentheses (which began in the sixties and seventies after the discovery of family violence and hidden abuse behind closed doors) was a profoundly important contribution to understanding and ensuring the safety of our children. But by the nineties it had gone way too far and created unintended consequences. Three decades after its “discovery,” boomers, post–boomers, and now the free–est generation have come to consider continuous praise a staple of life and a necessary precondition for work to be done.

 

Ron Taffel – Childhood Unbound p.160

Childhood Unbound p.95

Today’s parents must learn to appreciate the shadow of temperament as Jerome Kagan puts it. Children’s hard wiring can guide your footwork out of clumsy, frustrating dances. Temperament, or basic characteristics, are noticeable to every parent from early on, and remain fairly consistent through the teen years. If you recognize this and try to match your movies in the dance with your child’s basic temperament, you’ll have a greater chance to authentically engage, and spend less time fighting. Here are some of the main temperamental constellations to watch for and how to approach each:

  1. Sensitive child – tone of voice, pacing of questions, much less yelling.
  2. First-time fearful child – practice, go slowly, let child’s reaction guide.
  3. Tenacious child – offer a “limited choice,” either one of which you can accept.
  4. Active child – allow fewer choices, talk small and quick, arrange a lot of everyday physical activity to burn off energy, and be on the look-out for food allergies.
  5. Difficulty with transitions child – simple, but harder than you think: cut down on the number of transitions; one less per day can make a huge difference.
  6. Low frustration tolerance child – anticipate escalations ahead of time, and always try to attend to biology: not enough rest, hunger, and over-stimulation. Physiology always wins.
  7. Clingy child – prepare your child for transitions, more one-on-one time, try to make sure there are fewer surprises for this kind of temperament.
  8. Scattered and disorganized child – ask kids to repeat what you said, help with gentle reminders and break tasks into smaller chunks. This “executive functioning” will get somewhat better with age, but not as quickly as you would like.
  9. Quiet or low mood child – mindset is critical: low-grade moodiness is not a rejection of your love, which is how it feels to many mother and fathers; much more down time is needed, as well as reassuring rituals.

 

Ron Taffel – Childhood Unbound p.95